Conflict resolution

When you know 1000 people getting married (or at least it seems that way) and there are only 52 weekends in a year, wedding conflicts are inevitable. Nonetheless, they are a pain for all parties involved. Even the possibility of a conflict can be a cause of great stress. I was talking with a friend who has two sets of recently engaged friends now considering the same exact wedding date. On one coast her best male friend from high school is marrying one of her best friends from business school. On the opposite coast her oldest and dearest family friend is getting married. What to do?! (Besides pray that one couple budges and settles for a different, equally spectacular, fall weekend.)

If you suspect a potential wedding conflict, I say address it right from the start. Kindly ask the bride-or-groom-to-be to take your sanity into consideration before signing the dotted line for a venue. Attempt to take control of your social calendar. *Warning* Approach doesn’t always work out as planned. Those of you who know me well, know that I am slightly bitter to be missing an all expense paid trip to Hawaii to attend a wedding. I tried to get the wedding changed, I really did! Se la vie.

Remember the days of bat/bar mitzvah conflicts- when we spent weekends being caravanned from a luncheon at Temple Beth El to a dinner party at the Hilton? I thought that was bad. These days we catch the red eye from a Saturday night L.A. wedding to make sure we’re in Maryland by noon for our old friend’s Sunday affair. But we love our friends, so there ain’t no mountain high enough.

I currently know of 2 weddings on my wedding day. There was talk of a potential third but luckily, due to a little lobbying by my pal MB, a crisis was averted. But hey, I’m getting married in June, in the height of wedding season. Maybe what I’m trying to say is: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are a really thoughtful pair. By having multiple weddings in multiple cities all of their nearest and dearest had a little attendance flexibility. And nobody had to loose sleep over a conflict!

Wedding realities

I’ve started to realize that certain wedding topics are much more blogable than others. It’s easier to write about flowers and wedding dresses than it is to write about wedding costs and expectations. That’s why I’m going to make an effort to share some of the real thoughts that are floating through my head. For as fun as wedding planning is, it can also be a time of clashing opinions, financial tension, guilt and guest lists.

So far my fiancée and I have been lucky. The only major obstacle we’ve had to overcome was over the Save the Date. My mom didn’t feel it was necessary to send them out. We disagreed. After a few days of back and forth snapping we compromised. M and I will send Save the Dates to our friends and the Chicago guests. My mom will not send them out. Fine. However, now that the time is getting closer to sending them out, I’m starting to understand perhaps why my mom so strongly objected in the first place. It really forces you to decide who exactly makes the A list. There are a few people I am on the fence with. If they don’t get a Save the Date, through word of mouth they’ll know they’re not invited. Am I ready to give up these friendships? Will it in fact signal the end of the friendship? My mom would rather wait before any bridges are burned. She figures her good friends know the details anyway.

M and I are also extremely luckily that so far there hasn’t been family financial tension. We’re both conscious that weddings aren’t cheap and we’re lucky to have parents who are willing to foot the bill. We’re also lucky that our parents get along. I’ve heard horror stories of relationships between in-laws that are torn to pieces over wedding costs. My mom assured me that she and my father would never allow such a predicament to occur. And I do believe her. When it comes to wedding costs, that old Jewish guilt is doing a job on my insides. I wish I could pay for part of it- which my parents think is insane.

In addition, it’s pretty common these days to hear peers complaining about wedding costs. I do it just as much as the next person. The travel, the gifts, the attire- attending a wedding is no cheap feat. As a bride and frequent wedding attendee, I’m living all sides of the wedding experience. For additional moaning and groaning I defer to an editorial in the Aug. 20 New York Times.

The ultimate challenge

My weekends in New York tend to be action packed and goal-oriented. In the 48 or so hours that I have for family, friends and wedding appointments every second counts. I get anxious when an unforseen event causes me to deviate from my original agenda. Luckily this weekend played out perfectly and I accomplished a most important bridal "to do" - I asked 4 wonderful ladies (2 cousins, 2 friends) to be in my bridal party. All of their reactions made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Unlike my fiancee who so far asked my bro and his the guy way - over a beer-- I have given a lot of thought to how to ask my cousins and friends to be in my wedding. It's important to me to ask in person. It's not that I don't love wonderful surprises in the mail. It just guarantees that I get to share a special moment with each of my best friends. I wish I could detail each encounter and reaction, but out of fairness to those who have not yet been asked I am going to keep the rest a secret.

Mark my word - I promise to choose cute, flattering bridesmaid dresses. But can I achieve the impossible? Can I deliever the promise of all brides everywhere? Can I find a bridesmaid dress they will wear again?! For all the times I've been told I could re-wear a bridemaid dress, I'm yet to take that step. Doesn't matter if the dress is Vera Wang, or Brand X. They always tend to end up in the give-away pile.

Rock On

Out of love and respect for my fiancee, last weekend I embraced my inner hippie. From Friday post-work to Sunday well past sundown I experienced my first music festival-- Lollapalooza. While it was far from the free-spirited, love fest that was Woodstock (so I'm told), Lollapalooza brought together indie-emo-jam-band fans from around the nation for three days of song, dance and beer in Chicago's Grant Park. While this experience had nothing to do with wedding planning, my three days at Lollapalooza had everything to do with love and understanding. Read on and you'll see how I came to realize that my marriage will be one that at times requires me to see past my fear of muddy feet and dreads.

Day 1: I leave working looking all cute to meet my fiancee and his music-obsessed guests who flew in from New York for the event. Got my aviators on, lips are glossed, hair is brushed. In a sea of thousands of concert-goers I attempt to locate my fiancee. After a half-hour of typical cell-phone shouting "can you hear me now?", we finally meet. At this point I am not looking cute. We dash from one stage to the next: Iron and Wine, My Morning Jacket, Violent Femmes, Death Cab for Cutie. Bands that are all on my Ipod, but being that they are not in the "workout mix", rarely get play time. I get a little boost from the Femmes' Blister in the Sun, but I am left to wonder how I will manage the crowds, the heat and the port-a-potties for three more days.

Day 2: We start off with Calexio, a rock band with strong Latin sounds. I dig it. We hike a mile to see Gnarles Barkley. Cee-lo and company take the stage in Fila tennis outfits and I wiggle my body like a white girl at a rap concert. Not to mention I totally want a Fila tennis outfit. Next is Flaming Lips. I know they are legendary, but I sit on the ground and wish I was home on my couch taking a nap. Everyone around me is mezmerized by the blue balloons floating through the crowd. Yawn. The lead singer makes an anti-Israel comment. Roar! Ignorant imbecile! Get me out of here! Next, Thievery Corporation. They don't play the one song I know from the Garden State soundtrack so I pout. Last show of the day - Kanye West. Ah, Golddigger - finally a song I can sing along to!

Day 3: I am joined by 70,000 fellow Chicagoans. Lines, heat, crowds, hippies...My fiancee's long-time music buddy/cross country travel partner aka Dr. Pepper blesses us with his presence. Too bad his wife decided to stay home, at this point I could really use a girl to talk to about my wedding plans. In any event, the indie scene was hopping at The Shins despite minor sound trouble. After that, I get confused. Andrew Byrd, Poi Dog Pondering, Broken Social Scene. Who? Who? Who? It's not until local Chicago band Wilco takes the stage that I have some clue as to where I am. Finally, Sunday, 8:00 pm - I have made it. Time for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have been psyched to hear them since the concert was first announced. I last saw them in 1999 in Madrid, Spain when I was studying abroad. It was one of the greatest nights of my life. So that's why I'm simply going to erase from my memory their Lollapolooza performance. Even the Pepppers can't be on fire all the time.

You see the reason I made you read my Lolla recap is to make this very point - I figure had I complained my way through the festival, or just bailed out after day 1, then it would have been bad karma. While I don't have to love music and festivals to the same extent that my fiancee does, I do think it was important for me to spend time with him doing something that he is passionate about. After all, if he is going to cooperate in the Sunday Styles application process (eyebrow to eyebrow photo and all) then the least I can do is rock out a bit...

p.s. Going to New York tomorrow. Wedding-related tasks include meeting with florists. Photographer and videographer have been booked. We're on our way folks...

Times like this

Up in heaven, my grandparents-Mema, Grandpa and Pa--are on one serious bragging spree. Jewish grandparents live for times like this! Oh, I'm not only talking about my engagement...

I envision a cloud with lots of adorable yenta-nannys,-memas and-bubbys yapping away. My Mema is puffing on a cigarette, finally free from my constant nagging about having to kick the nasty habit. "Guess what?" she says to whomever will listen. "My grandaughter is engaged to a wonderful boy. A real mentsch. They are going to have the most gawgeous wedding. AND my grandson just got a job in FINANCE. He is so handsome and smart. I am so proud of him! AND their cousin T just gave birth to twins- a boy and a girl. AND their cousin N recently gave birth to a baby girl. AND their cousin L just gave birth to a baby boy. AND their cousin L is getting married in September! Can you believe it?! What a family I have! I am so blessed!"

Within seconds, word spreads through heaven's bagel shops, department stores and beauty parlors. My Mema, Grandpa and Pa are the talk of the clouds. I truly believe that my grandparents know everything that is going on. My Pa is probably crying. Giving everyone around him a "poo-poo" as he always did and a high five. His first-born grandaughter is getting married! And so is his third. Grandpa (the butcher) is preparing a celebratory meal - most likely steak and potatoes. If my Mema were alive we'd be heading to Bee-bee's for sandwiches and going shopping for shoes (she's the one responsible for my obession with ballet flats).

Here on earth, my sweet, 90-year-old Nana gets to relish it all. Talk about good fortune - she has 6 great-grandchildren to spoil. And the smoothest, most flawless skin you've ever seen. Her refrigerator is plastered with baby pictures. She counts her blessings every day. God willing she'll be at my wedding- flirting with the boys and singing her famous rendition of A You're Adorable. That is my wish.